Thursday, July 28, 2011

The best birthday gift you could give...

1 Year
365 days.
One year ago, Scott and I were in a hospital room....terrified...stunned..naive...and now, parents.

Our story is not completely unique. Search the internet and you find forums and letters from other parents who have lost multiples asking how to deal with birthdays. It does bring comfort to see other people have struggled with some of the emotions we are still trying to figure out.

Guilt. I think every new parent struggles with guilt. There are those moments when I’m hugging Slugger and my heart is filled with such love and such joy and I remember how long we waited and how much we hungered to start a family. And then my heart aches that my twins will feel like they’re not utterly and completely missed. I can’t explain how hard it is when you feel guilt over being happy and feel guilt for being sad. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m failing one or more of my daughters no matter how I feel.

As much as we’ve been yearning for this day, we have been dreading it even more. It’s a reminder that it would have been Allie’s and Rory’s 1st birthday. And this is one of the many huge milestones and events in their lives that we will not be able to share with them. We have so much to be thankful for. It has been a wonderful year full of blessings. But this first birthday will be a hard one. We had decided long ago to celebrate Slugger’s first birthday closer to her due date…so she’ll be more like a real 1 year old…with cake and all. We don’t know how we’ll feel on the girls’ actual birthday so we’re playing it by ear. And we’re giving ourselves space and grace to play it that way. We’re allowing ourselves the opportunity to grieve if that is where our hearts are…or to enjoy it for the beautiful summer day it is.

We’re going to honor the fact that today is Allie’s and Rory’s birthday. We won’t ever get to celebrate a birthday with them. We can’t scoop them up in our arms and kiss their cheeks. No cake smash photo sessions. No matching paper hats. We’re going to write cards to them to tell them how much their parents and their sister love and miss them. And we took time off (or tried to) to spend time with Slugger and each other.

And let’s not forget Slugger!!! We’ll be celebrating Slugger’s birthday in the fall, just for this year. So, please, no gifts for our little Slugster. She’s super blessed with more than she can play with. Seriously, she loves other babies so bring over some friends for her and maybe some of those toys can get some action. If you really want to give us a gift, do something kind today in honor of our two oldest girls. Out of something so painful, it would be amazing to see good things grow. Hold open a door for a stranger. Smile at that obnoxious coworker. Talk to that woman on the corner you’ve passed on the way to work every day for months. And if you find the opportunity to make a positive change…no matter, how small, do it!!! How awesome would that be to know that our girls helped inspire a little act of kindness. It would really be a ray of light in our world. So shine on!!!

Happy birthday to all my precious girls! To my angels, Allie, and, Rory, we were so blessed to have you even for just a short time. And to our Slugger, you are such an amazing child and you have filled our home with mess and laughter (both of which I couldn’t live without now). I love you!!!


Slugger 1 Year Birthday!!!

Slugger:
Real Age: 1 year old
Adj. Aige: almost 9 months old
Weight: ~18.2 pounds
Height: ~28 inches


Milestones:


-can transfer object from one hand to other hand
-LOVES to stare in a mirror. So thankfully we don't have many full-length mirrors because she would be glued to it for hours
-can crawl and move to sitting easily
-pulls up to standing and "couch walks"
-can pull herself up on crib rail
-loves climbing stairs (but still tries to go down them headfirst)
-responds to her name
-will "fake laugh" if she's in a room with other people laughing and she feels left out
-pushes things away (like bottles and spoons) if she doesn't want them
-her first tooth has appeared-bottom front and center
-stranger anxiety has begun, only wants mommy and daddy...mainly mommy
-teething=crying and whining


Welcome to the teething era!!! Man, she has become a completely different child out of nowhere. I'm not going to lie, it's tough. Our usual mellow, sweet child is now grouchy and whining at the drop of the hat. It's so hard to know when she's in discomfort and not being able to take it completely away. We've tried all sorts of tricks but her favorite teether is my old license and credit card that she found. Now they're permanently in her toy bin.
Her favorite new "trick" is to make a clicking sound with her tongue against the roof of her mouth. Oh, she cracks herself up. Scott has this hare-brained idea that she's imitating the sound we make when we give her lots of smooches. Personally, I think it's wishful thinking but it does make it really sweet when she starts clicking away and we tell people "she's giving you kisses." She seems to know and has perfect timing, I almost start to believe.


She inherited some toys from her friends, HB and LP. One of the toys is this globe that sings the alphabet song when Slugger spins it. She was spinning it and the recorded vocie sang "h-i-j-k" and I swear that Slugger sang something that sounded exactly like "lllmmmmoooh." My jaw dropped. Was this pure coincidence or is she a complete genius and I should plan on her college graduation party being when she hits ten? I kept watching her but she never did it again but my fingers are crossed.


She's "couch cruising" and is still shaky on the legs but she has gotten a lot better and started to experiment with taking one hand or both hands off the couch.
She's become very attached to me...which I've been waiting for. But now, that it is here, it does make life much harder. She wants to be carried or held...by me. Honestly, I'm not sure why. I hug and love on her...but so does everyone else in her life...so I haven't figured out my appeal yet. But, I hug her harder when she clings to me and I'm enjoying this attachment for now because she might have slightly different feelings to me in about 15 years=)
[Uncle Steve was being a pain and kept throwing this cap over her head. But she could take it off]
[This is the first time I saw this happen. I put her down for her nap and was looking through a closet when I heard laughing and turned around to see this cute face staring at me.]
[I laugh every time I look at this screen shot of the baby video monitor. She and her nap buddy, Elmo, really are two peas in the pod]
[Yah, it's picture time. The monkey is back!!]
Want to see the first pictures she took with that monkey....travel back to September of last year!!