Casey's First Bath-Approaching 34 Weeks

Thanks to everyone for their continued support and encouragement. This past week, our good friend, Ted, had a family emergency. His father actually suffered three separate heart attacks and was medevac'd from the Big Island to Kaiser Hospital. Now our visits to Casey are double-fold as we now can spend time with Ted. And it was the first night that we found out about Ted's dad, we met Ted in the waiting room. Our other good friend, John-John, was already there and we just sat with Ted. I watched Ted and the emotions on his face, and I was moved to tears. I felt his pain and it also stirred up the pain I carry around with me daily. I contemplated how much time we had spent in the halls of this hospital this past year. Weekly visits to the our specialist, Dr. O, or the cardiologist for Rory, Dr. S. Spending the last 50 something days in the NICU. And these two good friends, Ted and John-John, have sat in this waiting room for us, have walked these halls with us, have prayed and cried with us in these rooms. Now, we sat here with Ted and it struck me that I am just done with this hospital.

Casey is getting stronger. Praises. Every doctor, nurse, ward clerk...everyone has been amazing. By nature of time, I talk to them more than I talk to anyone else in my life. Love love love this staff. But I'm so eager to be done with this leg in our journey. I want to never have to visit this hospital again. And as we sat with Ted, Scott told me later "We are also here for Ted's dad, but, we're really here for Ted." And you all, thank you for reading and praying for Casey, but you're really the support for Scott and me.

As the week closes, I have good...no, I have great news to report. Ted's dad sailed through surgery and is doing amazing. He's such a chipper, spright man. Well, we are talking about a man, who in his sixties, with his amazing wife, are building their own house additions and dug their own pool. Not kidding.

And here we have this adorable little girl who keeps chugging along continually getting stronger and healthier, even when I'm a personal mess. Casey has been like that from before birth. Our hour-long ultrasounds were always detailed analysis of the concerns and risks for the twins. Dr. O. would go over Gizmo's heart and Astro's small stature. And then, at the end, almost like an afterthought he would say "And Slugger is just hanging out up there at the top, just doing her own thing." She always kind of sailed in her strong, steady way seemingly unaffected by the craziness around her. She's so independant, I don't think she needs us really. Not like how we need her.

Casey
7 weeks 4 days
34 weeks gestation (8.5 months pregnant equivalent)
4 lb. (birth weight was 2 lb. 4 oz)
16.5" (birth length 14")
53 days spent in the hospital

Casey is still on her CPAP (a.k.a. dry land snorkel) but spends six hours a day on the nasal cannula. Both feed her additional oxygen to aid blood oxygenation and also supply air pressure to aid her lungs. During her stint on the nasal cannula, one of her meals will be done by bottle once a day. "nippling." Still can't get used to that term. The nurses are patiently trying to teach us how to feed Casey by bottle. I think they're going to hook up monitors to me instead of the baby because I think I have forget to breathe and will possibly pass out. I'm proud to say that yesterday, I did much better. So did Casey, I guess I should focus on her since this is her blog. Sorry. Maybe that will be Wednesday's blog.

Thursday night was Casey's first bath, a real bath. And it was the most documented bath I have ever seen (not that I witness baths often or anything). We were in between rounds of visitors when Casey's nurse, Gina, told me that she wanted to take off the second skin that covers Casey's forehead and nose for protection. Oh, cool. We were stoked to think we'd get a glimpse of Casey's face without that dark gum on half of her face. We were a little confused when we saw Gina wheeling a table with a bin of water over. It still didn't sink in until we saw a suddenly naked Casey being carried from her isolette to the bin.

Oh, she's getting a bath!!

Oh boy, suddenly 4 or 5 cameras/cell phone cameras were waving around as we got to be there for Casey's first real bath. We had good friends visiting, plus Auntie Kacie (maternity session post and newborn session post) just happened to be the ward clerk that day and was working late so she was there. And then our new friend, Mike, the RT (respiratory therapist) was also in the mix as he held Casey's oxygen mask. I think we created a new joke "How many people does it take to give Casey a bath?"

It was crazy to see our once fragile girl who dropped below 2 lb, who we weren't allowed to touch and could only whisper around, now basking in a warm, tepid bath having her hair washed and combed. She loved it, she was looking around to try to see where all the different voices were coming from. And she's a grunter, grunts anytime she's unhappy, but I heard her cry for the first time. The adhesive tape on her forehead was melded to her hair and pulled a little when removed.
[Nurse Gina checks Casey's nasal cannula. I love this outfit..thanks Auntie Chanelle]

[Casey getting her hair washed]

[The bathtime paparazzi]

[This is one of my favorite new pics]

[Scott officially a helper as he got to pour the water]

[Scott and mini-Scott-lyn]

[Here's a candidate for our 2010 Christmas Card Picture. Introducing the 'ohana, Scott, Casey, Keao...and umm, our friendly RT, Mike. All in the fam.]


So, as a 26 weeker at 36 weeks gestation in summary:

-no longer on caffeine or fluconisol

-receiving iron

-CPAP pressure 5 with 24-26% O for most of the day

-nasal cannula/vapotherm for 6 hours of the day with 3 L

-Attempting to bottle feed once a day

-36 mL of milk a day at 25 cal

-wearing clothes but still in heated isolette

7 Weeks

Casey
7 weeks old
33 weeks 2 days old (8.25 months pregnant equivalence)
3 lb. 13.3 oz. (birth weight 2 lb. 4 oz)

Hey, Scott will be preaching this Sunday at our 10 am service at Hope Chapel Kaneohe Bay. He'll be preaching on "Choosing to Love" despite your circumstances. Pastor Carl is on vacation so Scottie is on the podium. Come support him at Hope Chapel 45-815 Pookela Street, Kaneohe, HI 10 am this Sunday.

Back to Casey: I have a vague memory of our orientation talk about the NICU. We were three hours into our hospital experience. I was trying not to move so I wouldn't dislodge the four monitors strapped to my belly and in a bit of shock as they were pumping medicine into me but the contractions were still getting stronger. Our anticipated tour of the NICU floor weeks before our C-section was now reduced to a 15 minute intensive explanation by Nurse Practitioner Pam by my bedside. She offered to take Scott downstairs to tour the NICU but he declined...a wise decision not to leave my side because I would be headed towards an emergency C-section in just a few hours. We were given a rough estimate of how long to expect our 26 weeker babies to stay in the NICU, about ten weeks. That would have put us at 36 weeks.

As we head towards the 34 week milestone next week, I realize that we're realistically going to be in the hospital for a few weeks longer than that 36 week goal. I talked with the doctor a few days ago and he said that the general rule is to expect babies to go home around or just a little before their due date. Especially since Casey isn't just a preemie, she's a micro-preemie. I never even heard of that term before. It means she was born before 28 weeks. Casey's due date, as a single baby, would have been November 2nd. She's also been steady on her CPAP, not showing as much improvement as we would like. He said there was nothing obvious on her chest X-ray. Preemies have scar tissue in their lungs and can also have moisture that makes it difficult for them to breathe. He didn't see anything obvious to explain Casey's reluctance to get off the CPAP. She's just young with lungs that still have a while to develop. We have no choice but to be patient.

Then Casey's nurse today, Amy, gave me an amazing update. They tried to nipple her today. I was a little confused, with all sorts of strange images fleeting through my head. Apparently, nippling means to feed by bottle. They are going to try to feed her by bottle once a day to see if she can figure out the eating from a bottle and breathing. Casey drank down a whopping 6 mL of milk before they had to stop. I nervously asked why they stopped and Amy said "oh, she wanted to stop. She gagged a little." WHAT? She was choking?" Amy insisted "oh, no...not choking. Gagging." Hmmm, I don't know if that sounds that much better. I appreciate that Amy tried to use softer words in her descriptions. But it is a foreign concept for these preemies. So she ate 6 mL (out of 34 mL) by mouth and they fed her the rest of her meal by her feeding tube.

A neat byproduct of this experiment is that they think bottle feeding is more difficult for her since she's on the CPAP. The CPAP is like a wind tunnel. If Casey has her mouth open, the wind rushes from the CPAP into her nose and out her mouth. I've put my hand near her mouth to feel it. It's seriously a wind tunnel. So, they want to see if she's have an easier time eating without a wind tunnel on her nose. So, today, they're going to have her on a nasal cannula four hours a day. Tomorrow, they'll attempt nippling a.k.a a meal by bottle, but this time with the nasal cannula. And we can call in to say when we're coming in so they can coordinate what time she'll be wearing the nasal cannula. It opens up things and we can see her sweet little face.

Today, was the first time she wore it and she was wearing it when I came in to hold her. Oh, she was looking around and I got a super awesome chance to just stare at her face while she slept. She still has the adhesive gummy tape over her forehead and bunched around her nose for when she puts her CPAP back on. But I got to just memorize every other feature. Oh, she even has little hairy cheeks. Hmm, they keep telling us that her little downy hair will disappear. Boy, oh boy, I hope so.

[Scott on his first try cradling Casey last night. The nurse Karen kept laughing because somehow when Scott tries to cradle babies, it just goes wrong. Casey somehow kept rotating until she was lying on her side.]

[Here I am today after her 3 pm care, cradling Casey. And there's her sweet little face. That blur in the background is her nurse, Amy. She works fast]

[This is Casey on a nasal cannulator. It still supplies a stream of oxygen to help her breathe]

[I don't know why this picture keeps rotating...but I have to show how Casey insists on sleeping with her mouth open all the time]

[Casey loves looking around...but she doesn't like to move her head. She just darts her eyes around trying to see everything.]

[Arlene had to close Casey's mouth so we could get at least one closed mouth picture]

Praise Reports:

-She's still gaining weight. We're praying for 4 lb by next week.

-Her oxygen requirements have usually been 24-26%

-These are the first times we've tried holding her by cradling her. It's real emotional and real sweet to be able to gaze down at her while she sleeps.

Prayer Requests:

-that this trial with the nasal cannula and bottle feeding has success. That Casey is able to learn how to drink from a bottle without compromising her breathing

-for Scott and his message this Sunday. This will be a real emotional one for him, it's going to be hard for me and I'm just listening.

-for peace and comfort. It's been rough, especially as tomorrow marks one month since Allison's death.

[Scott had a good laugh but I made a mistake in the video narration. The oxygen level was not 37%, but 26%. I was looking at the temperature or something else. ]

33 Weeks Gestation

Casey
6 weeks 5 days old
33 Weeks Gestation
3 lb. 11.96 oz. (birth weight 2 lb. 4 oz.)
16" long (birth t14 " long)

Well, today, September 13 was the day we had really hoped would be our planned C-section day to deliver our triplet girls. I knew that pre-term labor was a huge risk but I was following two other blogs of multiples and they all went even past the average gestational term for triplets (32 weeks). The moms were these small, petite women who didn't even go on bedrest. I was so confident that it would be the same for me. I felt strong, I was having tons of braxton hicks but that is normal for triplet pregnancies.

Casey's neighbor was born a few weeks later gestationally than Casey's 26 weeks. Privacy laws are strict so we're supposed to stay by our baby and not be privy to any info about other babies. But I find myself glancing over at his corner and marveling at how well he is doing. He's off his oxygen support, he is bigger. The nurses keep telling us you can't compare babies...but I just think how different our lives would be if our baby girls had just come 2 or 3 or 4 weeks later. Heck, even 2 days later so I could have had steroid shots to help their lungs develop. A few weeks and we might still have Allison here with us. I hate that a month difference robbed us of so much.

The other part of me realizes that the fact that we even have Casey is amazing. How all the medical advances and research have made it even possible for someone born at 26 weeks gestation to survive. That had this been maybe fifteen years ago, we wouldn't have our little Japanese princess.

We live for the moments when Casey is awake. She's so alert. Her "touch" times are every three hours starting at midnight and around the clock. That's when her vitals are checked, her pamper changed, and her feeding time starts. Those are the times that she is often awakened, not too happily. She grunts her displeasure and flails her arms. Those are the times we try to aim to be by her bedside. As soon as her touch time is over, she's tucked in and she's back to sleep. Her sleep is essential for growth so we leave her alone, sometimes just sitting by her isolette playing on her phones or we'll kangaroo hold her while she sleeps.

[Here we are at Casey's 6 pm touch time. On the left is Nurse Arlene and Scottie on the right. Arlene uses a mask that blows oxygen over Casey's face so we can remove her CPAP gear completely and give her little wrapped face a break. Scottie rubs her head to get the blood flowing, especially since Casey wears the CPAP mask 24 hours a day strapped to her face. With the pressure off her face, Casey has an easier time opening her eyes and will look around for a good chunk of time. It's awesome.

She breathes really well off the CPAP but it's only for a short period of time. Most likely, if she's left to breathe completely on her own, her lungs will tire out and she'll start to experience oxygen saturation drops. She'll also be burning precious calories. Still, these brief bursts are perfect and give her lots of great practice at breathing by herself.

Praise Reports:
-She's been gaining weight steadily. We haven't had a 'loss" day in over a week.
-She had bloodwork and labs done this morning. Besides an elevated level of bilirubin (she may be getting jaundiced and need another stint of sunbathing under the lights), everything was normal.
-her O2 range tends to be in the mid-twenties and although her blood oxygen levels still drop, they manage to come back up on their own
-she's eating 34 mL of breastmilk every three hours

-last week's eye exam showed that her retinas are immature (expected since she's full-term) and her next eye exam won't be for another two weeks. Poor thing, they said she did cry but it was a short exam. Because of the dilating drops she was given, her poor eyes were a little puffy and red when we saw her later =(

Prayer Requests:
-that she continues to gain weight
-that her lungs develop and mature (we want to see less desaturation bouts and her CPAP pressure come down from 5)
-for our family as a whole. We have good days, bad days, and worse days. Emotionally, this year has been a long struggle.

6 Weeks Old

Casey
6 weeks old (yesterday's info)
32 Weeks 2 Days Gestation (equivalent to 8 months pregnant)
3 lb. 6.67 oz. (birth weight was 2 lb. 4 oz.

Scott was right in his blog that 32 weeks is the magic number. Of course, that's the magical number we were shooting to hold our girls in check and not deliver before then. The average delivery for triplets is 32 weeks and it gives them an awesome rate of survival. Scott and I had a personal goal of holding the pregnancy until 33 weeks, which would be next week. We had countdown timers on our phone that ticked off the days. Life is just never how you plan it. We're a week away from our desired due date and we have just one little 6 week old girl fighting the odds. Crazy.

I'm just amazed at how the human body of a mom is designed to help babies grow. Casey is so much bigger and more alert, and stronger. But compared to other babies who are born at 32 weeks, she's significantly behind. Our "What to Expect When Expecting" says that most babies starting the 8th month of pregnancy tip the scales at 4 lb. Casey is not even 3 and half pounds and we're fighting for every oz. It differs baby to baby, but a lot of babies born at this stage won't need to stay very long on the CPAP (a.k.a. scuba mask). Casey still requires additional oxygen (ranging from 25% to 28% when room oxygen levels are 21%) and it blows a pressure of 5 to keep her airways open and thus much easier (less calorie burning) to breathe.

All this just instills such an awe in me. Casey has had to take on things like breathing, eating, digesting, regulating body temperature for 6 weeks now...6 weeks that were meant to be spent chilling in her little amniotic pool doing nothing but getting chubby. There's quite a bit of helplessness and guilt as I watch her in her isolette every day. Scott said that he's worried Casey will never learn to walk because we will never put her down when we bring her home. We feel like we have so much to make up for.

Vision:
Still, Casey is making milestones of her own, all on her own...no helpful placenta nearby (sorry, was that a gross reference). She went from opening a squinty eye or two for a few seconds to now opening her eyes and looking around. I now have a reference to "Casey is awake" or "Casey is asleep." Newborn babies can't see very far or in detail, so I get my face super close to her isolette. Look, Casey, it's blurry mama. She has her first eye check today. The doctor will check the blood vessels growing on her retina to make sure they're not growing in an abnormal pattern. The oxygen support she is receiving can affect the growing blood vessels negatively. It can cause the vessels to grow so tightly, the retina detaches and causes blindness. They'll monitor the vessels and use laser surgery to zap errant vessels. I'm more worried about the eye check itself. It's only five minutes but I've read that babies hate it, it's a terrible experience. Their pupils are dilated with drops and then their eyes are pinned open for the examination. Ah, please please pray it goes well so she won't need another eye check for another two weeks.

Lungs:
Also, every baby really has their own development journey, but we would really like to see improvement on Casey's breathing and oxygen requirements. I'd like to see her moving towards getting off the CPAP. Premature babies have underdeveloped lungs (I went into labor too fast for them to give me steroid shots that could have helped) and sometimes scar tissue. The doctor says that it is not technically considered a serious problem unless she reaches 36 weeks and still needs oxygen support. That leaves us with 4 weeks for Casey to get stronger at breathing on her own. also, we would just love the CPAP to come off. I am dreaming of the day, we can just hold her without having to worry about the gear pulling at her face or the seal around her nose loosening. And to kiss her face all over!!!

Check out the video at the end. All of Casey's nurses have their own special little habits or techniques when taking care of Casey. It's kind of neat to see each time we come in. This is an Intensive Care Unit, so they watch her around the clock and they get to know her little quirks. Nurse Arlene uses Casey's back up oxygen mask when we're there to change her CPAP mask so we can give her a head rub and it also gives us the best look at our baby. BTW, her forehead has an adhesive "second skin" covering on it to protect it from her head gear, that's the darker coloring.

Personality
I thought all babies were like this but I think Casey is one of the most active babies around. She's a squirmer. They try to swaddle her but she kicks and punches and manages to break free. Because she's 32 weeks, she started physical therapy which is to ascertain her flexibility and muscle tone. I wasn't there but her nurse told me that the PT people were a little scared off and only did a short session. Casey doesn't like her naps being disturbed and was putting up quite a display of punches and kicks. When she's on her stomach, she'll lift her head up an inch or two off the bed. It kind of freaks us out. Sleep, Casey, you need those calories.

Body Temperature
Casey has her temperature taken every three hours. She's on a heated bed but they're slowly turning it down and they've put clothes on her to see if she can hold her own. She is but they're not going to turn down the heat just yet. Even if she could do it all on her own, she'll be using up precious calories. But it's awesome because now we get to start dressing her up.

We are so blessed that Auntie Chanelle gave us Selah's preemie clothes, we also got some preemie clothes as gifts from Vinnie's sister, Michelle, and one of my best friends, Kelii. This first outfit is from Kelii who lives in North Carolina but had it delivered to us. Kelii, seriously, the nurses raved about this outfit just because it is so different from your typical baby clothes pattern. And they (plus me) love that Ooga Booga design, it's so cute. Nurse Leila says that it is Casey's sexy outfit because it shows off her belly. This outfit is also designed for NICU babies, it is easy to change the diaper, remove from the baby with all the wires and probes, and to check vitals without removing it. Plus, it's just cute.

Say hi to the world, Casey!!!

Casey's favorite sleeping position is on her tummy. Enjoy it now because when she comes home, it will be only on her back. I don't have those alarms to let me know she's okay.

Oh, I guess she's not really sleeping after all. Hi Casey!!

Prayer requests:

-a great retina check today, that the doctors don't see any problems and that she doesn't need another check for two weeks.

-for comfort for Casey who won't understand what's happening during her eye check and for any discomfort

-for wisdom and comfort for Casey's nurses and doctors . seeing other parents and their worried faces in the NICU (my face must look like that all the time), I don't know how these nurses deal with all the complications these babies struggle through. I just worry about my baby, they have to worry about all the babies.

Praise Reports:

-Casey loves to eat, her feeds are going great

-She doesn't have reflux or vomiting, I've read other preemies struggle with that.

-She's awake more and more interactive, it's such a bonding thing for me and Scott

Daddy talks clothes and milestones

Lucky people, today you'll get two posts. I'll hold off my own Wednesday update to give people a chance to read Scottie's blog about getting to play dress-up.

Click here to read and see pictures from this week.

Yah, 32 Weeks!!!

For I know the plans I have for you

Casey
5 Weeks 4 Days Old= 39 Days Old
31 Week 6 Day Gestation
3 lb. 5.61 oz.

Thank you for all your prayers. Right off the bat, we are not sick and Casey never became sick. Wednesday I was so sick, I was convinced I had the flu. I woke up Thursday feeling completely normal, even went to the doctor to get checked out and she found nothing wrong. She thinks I might have had mastitis but it cleared up on its own. Scott and I still stayed away from the hospital just to make sure. Scott had a tingling in his throat. When I asked him Thursday night if his throat was still sore, he said "that's not an easy question...it's sore but I was screaming at the football game." Ugh, so we had to wait another day, until Friday before we tentatively ventured back to the hospital after two days of symptom-free existence. Boy, I missed Casey so much. Two whole days of not seeing her, it was tough.

Fortunately, we have sweet nurses who kept her healthy and happy and gave us spirited updates over the phone whenever we called. In fact, Arlene informed us that Casey had been entertaining them by opening her eyes and smiling...and that she has a dimple in her left cheek!!! We couldn't wait to see it!!! It was hard but our nurses made it easier by giving us detailed updates. We know our Casey is in such good hands. We find little gifts in Casey's isolette demonstrating how loved our little girl is.

I mentioned in my last post, but this monkey is a gift from Ava. It has been disinfected and is Casey's roommate in her little isolette. We came in one morning to find it sporting a preemie pamper (Casey used to wear that size pamper) and a CPap head gear (not seen in this photo). We found that another of Casey's nurse, Gina, had painstakingly worked to get the CPAP mask and pamper on, even cutting out a hole in the rear for the monkey's tail.

One Casey's one month, we came in to find that Arlene had created this adorable little announcement and put it on the side of Casey's isolette. Look at the cute bow on top of the baseball cap. I'm a little worried that Arlene has set the bar too high. When Casey comes home, how am I going to keep this going. I can't scrapbook AT ALL. I may have to use my photoshop skills to just change the dates on this one =)

Most of my family hasn't been able to see Casey yet. Half of them are on the Big Island. When friends of my dad found out what had happened with Rory and Allison, they gave my dad airline fare so he could fly up here from the Big Island. He was here for the weekend and just left today. He came with us to the hospital and sat with us and we kangarood. But, even more awesome, he was there for some of her 3 hour "cares." That's when she tends to wake up and we got to see her looking around the first day. Yesterday, Nurse Gina got us really involved in the "cares" and my dad was there as we changed her diaper, cleaned her mouth, took her temperature, and helped position her. We stopped by the hospital today and my dad rubbed her head when they took off her CPAP head gear to change her nose mask. She loves it. Liken it to getting a foot rub just after you take off your shoes after being on your feet all day. She loved it so much, she made our week with a smile and a DIMPLE!!!!

[Kangaroo time with mommy, she was squirmy for the first half. By the time she had fallen into a deep sleep, it was time to put her back. Which woke her up and we were treated to her loud grunts and complaints] [This is Nurse Leila. We told her that it was Papa Jim's last time with Casey before heading back to the Big Island and she had us help her with all of Casey's cares. We know it slows things down and probably puts the nurses back in their busy schedules, but it's the biggest gift and we love doing it. The nurses coach us through how to handle Casey, what signs to look for that she needs to be left alone, what she likes and doesn't like. Here, the CPAP gear nose attachment is being changed. There's prongs that insert into her nostrils and there's a suction cup that goes over her nose. They change back and forth between the two every six hours so as to change the pressure on her nose and keep it from creating sores. It's also a great time to be visiting because the head gear comes off for a minute or two and we can see Casey's face!!! Here daddy watches while Papa Jim rubs Casey's head to get the blood circulating *only under the supervision of Leila]

[Leila carefully holds the CPAP over Casey's nose so she still gets enough oxygen during her little massage break] Get ready for the cutest picture ever!!!! There's the dimple!!!

Allison and Rory

I'm learning that tears are still coming and they surprise me when they come. Of course, it was made tougher by our self-created quarantine from Casey. And messages from the mortuary concerning Allison's arrangements. The surprise comes in the time of day. I'll just be running an errand and a random thought flitters across my mind and I'm crying as a painful fist grips my heart. Then the fist lets go after just a moment and the tears stop, I'm left feeling caught off-guard.

I was running to Subway on Friday night and I passed Castle High School which is near our house. There was a lot of traffic and I could see the bright lights of Castle and hear the loud cheers of the crowd. I looked at the teens crossing the streets in droves and I cried, I mourned the loss of my girls as teenagers. When my friend, Leena, had first heard about Rory's heart defect, she ordered books on grief through Amazon and had them delivered to my door. I carried one book in particular around. One of the things it said was that no matter how early you lose a child, whether shortly after birth or even before birth, the loss is much more than just what you have. You not only have to mourn the loss of your child, you have to mourn the loss of the future you had plans for, hopes for, dreams for.

Since we found out we were having three little girls, our heads have been rapidly churning out plans for the future of our family. How to fit three cribs in the nursery. How to bathe three squirly babies. How to take three 10-month olds on a trip to the Big Island when my sister gets married. As I was listening to the roars from the Castle football game, I heard these familiar words in my head:

"for I know the plans I have for you

I had such wonderful plans for my girls. Yes, I kind of hoped they would all attend Kamehameha Schools like me, I wouldn't have minded HBA graduates like daddy. But I would have been happy to have them nearby at Castle, anything as long as they were happy. In 15 years, all of my three girls could have been at that Friday night game. Casey could be on the field, the talented placekicker. And in my dream, Rory and Allison are there too. Maybe Rory was in the band, playing drums. Yah, that would have rocked. Feisty Allison, a cheerleader, jumping up and down with excitement. Above all, they're surrounded by friends, laughing and being young. I not only have to grieve the loss of my two baby girls, but I will also have to grieve the loss of those two girls as teens...as young women...as mothers themselves.

The words in my head come from a scripture, Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I'm kind of stumbling at times through this walk, totally not understanding everything. But then some things just strike me and I have to stop and just nod "I see that." God has such huge plans for us. He created us, we are his kids, his prize. He wants us to prosper. He wants to give stregnth to the weak, hope to the hopeless. He wants to give us a future. He has given us a purpose and he's excited to see how we will grow up. And yet, some of us just walk away from his plans, some of us walk away from him. I walked through Subway's parking lot and mourned the loss of ones I loved, I grieved the loss of the future I had envisioned for them...and I know God knows how I feel.

Prayer Requests:

-Casey to gain weight consistently

-Casey to get better at keeping her supplementary oxygen at 21% (she hovers between 22 to mid-twenties normally) and to keep her saturation levels up (she drops down to the 60's quickly when she should be above 83)

Praise Reports:

-Scott and I aren't sick. I do NOT have the flu!! Casey did not catch any germs!!!

-Casey has been eating well and started gaining weight!!!

- a great weekend with my friend Nalani last weekend and a great weekend with my dad this weekend

Casey Turns 5 Weeks Old

September 1, 2010

Casey
5 Weeks Old
31 Weeks 2 Days Gestation (7.75 mo. pregnant equivalent)
3 lb. 0.67 oz (original birth weight 2 lb 4 oz)

The biggest milestone of course is that Casey hit 3 lb. She's taken full feedings, they have this formula to calculate based on their body weight how much they should be eating every 3 hours. We had a worrisome last week because she wasn't gaining weight last week. They added more breast milk and fortified the milk to add more calories but she was still not gaining weight. Probably because she has become a lot more active. She' s a squirmer and she's so strong. She manages to lift her head up when she's on her tummy. We love seeing her activity but we want her to sleep and just concentrate on growing. So much is dependant on her gaining body fat. She won't be able to regulate her body temperature until she has more body fat, thus she's confined to her plastic isolette. I'm a little worried, they called me today and said they had a meeting about her slow weight gain and are going to play around with her feedings.

The other super awesome development is that she's begun to open her eyes more. The nurses have always said that she opens one eye occasionally but we almost never see it. One, she's so young and small and two, her mask put a lot of pressure on her face and caused her eyes to get puffy. She's grown into a bigger apnea mask and the swelling in her face has gone down a lot. Last week, I was treated to her opening BOTH eyes and looking around for several minutes. I was so excited, I couldn't wait for Scott to see it, but she didn't treat us to it for another few days. Since then, she's been consistently opening an eye or both eyes when we wake her up to kangaroo her.

Praise Reports:
-her Friday head ultrasound came back with a normal reading
-she has passed the 3 lb mark
-her breathing has been a little more stable...she likes oxygen levels in the mid-20's but does have to get bumped up to the thirties when her sleep is disturbed
-she's much more tolerant of being touched
-opening her eyes and looking around

Prayer Requests:
-Protection from sickness!!!
Yesterday, I visited my toddler nieces and one of them is getting over being sick. I tried to avoid her but how can you reject a cute 2-year old, albeit with abundant nose snot, who climbs into your lap and requests "hug!!!" This from the girl who doesn't have much words in her vocabulary.
I'm sick with worry too because last night we visited Casey and I kissed her soft little sweet cheek over and over again. while Scott held her. This morning I woke up extremely fatigued and with body aches. Which means I'm not going anywhere near the hospital but I'm also worried I might have already brought some germs in. Lord, please kill any germs and keep my baby girl happy and healthy.
-Gain Weight!!!
We want to aim for .7 oz gain a day.
-Complete recovery for my health
I want to wake up tomorrow and this all just have been a fluke, I was just tired from lack of sleep. This will be the first day I don't get to see Casey. One thing I was so thankful for, was that of Allison's 19 days, we were there every day.

The bug-eyed stuffed monkey is a gift from one of Casey's night nurses, Ava. Another nurse, Arlene recommended we take pictures of Casey with the stuffed monkey to show how she grows over the weeks.

We're hoping the downy layer of fur dissipates as she gets older. Fingers crossed.

Here's Daddy kangarooing with Casey. She loves it. She usually only needs very little oxygen support.

Peekaboo, Casey!!!

Kangaroo time is over. Casey definitely does not like being woken up from her slumber. Hmmm, just like Daddy.

She reminds me of that cartoon, the Snorkels.

Good night, little girl!!!

I apologize for not giving an update this past weekend. Much of our sadness over losing Rory and Allison is abated by the comfort of having Casey in our lives. Our sadness is tempered with joy. But, it also means that things that should bring me joy are tinged with sadness. Casey turned 1 month old this past Saturday. It's hard to reflect upon her birth without the sorrow of remembering that we lost Rory that day. And that delivery, which usually brings people so much joy was one filled with fear for us. That because it happened so early, we eventually lost our oldest daughter. Saturday was a rough day for me. I can't watch those million episodes of "Baby Story" or "Maternity Ward" on every channel. I had to turn off Grey's Anatomy because the storyline involved a premature baby.

I want to celebrate Casey with everything we have. She's an amazing gift. But for now, these milestones have a trace of painful memories. I know it will get easier and I want it to, but without having to sacrifice my memories of all my girls.