Friday, March 18, 2011

It's been one year since....

...we found out we were having twins. Little did we know.

Scott and I were talking about couples and that first ultrasound and I started thinking about ours. It's hard because it's such an amazing feeling and there's such elation, especially our first ultrasound. That's when we learned we were having twins. One of the identical twins always hid behind the other one so it would be a month more before we would see all three. I always look at those pics and wonder which twin we were seeing. If I were to hazard a guess, I would say Allison just because of the positioning. It was literally one of the best days of our lives, and yet now I am reluctant to think about it because it reminds me that such a beautiful start had a different ending. Still, it was a beautiful and amazing day.

I'm glad we're such huge journal addicts. So much of Slugger's journey and her sisters' journeys are documented. Here's my thoughts that I wrote a year ago on March 15th, 2010.

March 15, 2010
This morning, Scott and I went to the first ultrasound. Scott is soo good, he woke up extra early and was doing his devotions. Granted, I feel sick and tired, but I had this thought, I hope his faith gets us brownie points.

The nurse at the IVF clinic who loves Scott practically giggled when she saw him in the hallway as we walked to our exam room. She hugged him and she hugged me too, but I think I was the afterthought.The doctor came in and sat down and began the exam. He had the ultrasound machine facing him so we couldn't see and I saw him just staring at the screen, and he was clicking some button and I thought....OMG, he can't even find a sac. It's empty. I was already starting to cry, not because I was that certain it was bad, but just because the emotions of the moment were so overwhelming. I realized how critical the next few minutes were going to be in our lives.

Then I heard the nurse say "That's a positive, right, doctor?" And I saw him nod. Oh, the relief. He turned the machine to us and I saw two circles. My thorough education at google medical school, I realized that there were two sacs. Oh, I had thought we might have had two begin but one didn't make it which would explain why my HCG level went from above to just normal for a single pregnancy. He showed me the right and showed us the beautiful flicker of the heartbeat. He's so experienced at this. Tell me the good news, and then break it to us gently that we had a second one but it didn't make it.

Then, he moves the scan to the second circle and says "here's the second pregnancy and right there..." and I saw another flickr.

Two!!! Two babies. It was awesome. Scott leaned forward and we both were so shocked...we're having two. I said "really? I thought we were just having one...my hcg levels were not high enough for two." And the nurse nodded and said "yah, you're right. You're absolutely right." We didn't have the shocking high levels of HCG that you would expect in twins, but there they were, two little babies with hearts clearly beating.

Scott had his videocamera so he taped the screen for a couple seconds although they printed out pictures anyway. Both babies are measuring 6w6d, perfect.It's awesome! it's like we just found out we're pregnant. This is the joy, that "aha" moment that we didn't really have when we found out we're pregnant. We kept looking at our ultrasound pictures...seeing two little blobs.

The end

Slugger, that was the first time we got to see you and your sisters. It was the most beautiful sight, absolutely beautiful.

Another Baby B like mine

Next, we’ll be scheduling an appointment with Slugger's cardiologist. That’s a big one. That’s the one that I’ve been waiting for this whole time. After all we went through with Rory, I’m especially nervous about Slugger’s heart defect. Even just recently, I was captivated by that high school basketball player passed away after scoring the winning basket because of an enlarged heart. Even if Slugger seems fine now. Are we going to have to worry her whole lifetime? Are we going to have to keep her from playing sports or doing strenuous activities to keep her safe?

There’s a couple whose blog I followed while trying to become pregnant. They became pregnant just a week behind me and Scott. I read along as they went to the doctor’s appointment and were shocked to find they were having triplets. I remember thinking “Wow, that’s crazy.” Little did I know that just a few weeks later, Scott and I would be having our own “WHAT?” ultrasound. I even exchanged some emails with them. Our stories were just shockingly similar. We both did IVF. We both had a split resulting in identical twins and a fraternal twin. I would find out that we were having three girls. They found out they were having three boys. When the girls were born shockingly early and we lost Rory and Allison, it was painful to see any reminders of triplets. I stopped reading blogs but I kept this particular blog in my reader although it was difficult to see as their pregnancy went to 34 weeks (amazing for a triplet pregnancy). It was hard for me to see what I wanted my pregnancy to be like. I thought that I would unfollow once their boys were born.

But their birth story brought about another commonality. My Baby B, Rory, my identical twin had a heart defect stemming from a complete blocked aortic valve. After birth, their Baby B, Linus, also one of their identical twins, was found to have a congenital heart defect, stemming from a 90% blocked valve. He has a lot of things going for him that Rory didn’t. He was born later and bigger. He had partial flow through the valve. They were able to use a less invasive balloon catheter procedures to try to open the flow. He’s had this procedure several times and been hospitalized several times but he’s also been able to go home.

It's been conflicting emotions for me. Relief and amazement to see this little baby go home so strong like his brothers. But also jealousy that our stories are so similiar but, yet, sadly so different. Why couldn’t this have been my Rory? How come I couldn’t take my Rory home and see her grow and gain weight. How come I didn't get to see her smile?. I never got to hug her, she was too tiny to just wrap my arms around. Mixed emotions and yet I was riveted to Linus and his brothers' story. I've faithfully watched their family through their blog. And watching his journey has hammered home the reality of raising a baby with heart problems. It was one thing when the doctors first outlined what to expect if Rory had been able to go through treatment in San Diego. It’s another thing to see what it looks like. To see what your baby will look like in the hospital bed. To know that they're struggling to breathe as fluid bulds up in their lungs. Their bodies tiring out. What your baby will have to endure. Watching sweet-faced little Linus throughout his treatments has been tough. The damage to his heart has been significant and last week, they blogged that he had to go through open heart surgery. Remember that he is just a week behind Slugger. He's still so young and small.

Linus does look a bit different from my little hapa Asian baby girls. But his little chubby arms and legs remind me of Slugger. So, when I see him in the hospital bed with wires and tubes…my heart breaks and I’m seeing Slugger (and Rory) in his place). I hate when Slugger cries when she gets a shot. I can't imagine seeing her go into surgery . The last update was that he is suffering complications after his surgery. I need for him to be okay. I need for him to pull through and get stronger and healthier. I have a hard time asking for prayers because I feel it's been a year of only doing that but it's all I can ask for today. Pray for Linus.

7.5 Months Old

Slugger
Real Age:
7 months 2 weeks old
Adj. Age: 4 months 2 weeks old

Weight: 14 lb.
Milestones:
-Rolls back to front easily
-Rolls stomach to back occasionally
-starting to prefer standing assisted rather than sitting
-reaches for and grabs objects
-Likes to rub her hair and ear when she eats
-bites anything she can put in her mouth
-now giggles in addition to laughing, I think her neck is ticklish
-does great on tummy time
-really seems to love reading books, she stares at the bright colors and illustrations

Slugger had her first tsunami warning and she slept through the whole thing. She’s been through enough, natural disasters don’t phase her. I’m working overnight which is hard on the body but great for motherhood. I get to put her down for the night and leave immediately for work and I get home in the morning just as she’s waking up for her breakfast. It’s a hard shift but it’s awesome to see her wake up in the morning and she rewards me with a smile every time she sees me peeking over her crib.

I can’t believe how fortunate we are that she’s remained healthy. One of the blogs I faithfully follow has quadruplets born a few months before Slugger. They came down with RSV for the 2nd time this winter and one of the quads ended up in the hospital. Thankfully, he’s out and all the babies are recovered. We are slowly introducing Slugger into our regular routine but faithfully armed with sanitizer and firm requests for everyone around us to wash their hands. We have such amazing friends. We usually don’t have to ask. Everyone immediately heads for a sink the minute Slugger comes near. Slugger is starting to recognize strangers. So, we’re trying to make sure she’s around our friends and family as much as possible. We meant to take her to church in March but it’s been too hard now that I am sleeping during the days.

Last night, we took her to Ignite’s bowling at K-Bay Lanes. It hit me that the last time I went bowling was at the very same lanes, but Slugger was still in the hospital at the time. Now she’s home with us. She’s such a happy baby. She has a small bump on top of her head that I believe was a cyst. Her pediatrician agreed with us but wanted to send us to a dermatologist because cysts aren’t very common in such young babies. First thing the dermatologist asked us as Slugger smiled and laughed just looking at him “Is she always like this?” Yup. “Wow, she’s a really happy baby.” Yes she is!!! He went on to examine her head and told us that the cyst probably arose harmlessly from her head gear putting pressure on her skin. It’s nothing to worry about. I brought up these tiny skin bumps on her forearms that I swear just popped up the last couple of months. I was surprised when he asked “Did she have IV or transfusions in the hospital?” She had both. He says the tiny bumps are just scar tissue from that. Again, nothing to worry about. It was such a relief and I walked out of that appointment feeling like I could breathe again.

And what you really are here for: Pics of Slugger. here she is today with today's current weight. She's sporting her St. Patty's green and she is part Irish (no thanks to Scott). I remembered to include her monkey buddy. he's wearing her preemie hat and diaper.


Some pictures from this past week in our living room.
She definitely has Scott's eyes and mouth. But my looooong eyelashes!!!
She also sneezes a lot, just like me. Uh-oh.

And she's in her drooly stage. I call her drooly julie.

Here's a stop action of her turning over. She can do it both ways but she almost always does it just one direction.


Some pics with daddy in our third bedroom where I love the light.



Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I'm tired...roll over

What a day!!! An awesome awesome day. Ever since, Slugger hit 3 months adjusted, I've been telling her that I want her to roll over. That was our goal for the month. Scott and I have kind of a competitive bet to see who would be with her when she finally blasted that milestone. She's been getting so close but always gets stuck. This morning, I was late meeting someone because I spent 20 minutes videotaping slugger thinking she was finally going to roll over but she never quite made it the entire way.

Later, I was trying to get ready to go to the library and I had to run outside to hang the laundry. I put her down on the rug and when I came in, I was shocked to find her having her own little tummy time. She rolled over for the first time and no one was there to see it. I was so excited and so bummed at the same time. I busted out my camera to try to capture it again but she just stared at me. I went to the kitchen and when I came back, she was on her tummy again. She rolled over...a second time...and no one saw it...AGAIN.

So, I got so frustrated that I put her on her back again and just camped out. I tried to encourage her with a little rolling song. Never mind my singing and my loud obnoxious yelling at the end (might help to lower the volume).

Get ready for a roller coaster ride.