Sunday, August 22, 2010

A note on faith

Some have emailed or texted me admiring my strength and faith during this time. Let’s be honest, I’m not strong. I’ve done nothing. And my faith was shaken. I questioned everything...a lot. I questioned the power of prayer. If ever there were girls more covered in prayer, it was these girls. I question God's plan. I know God didn't take my baby girls. The devil did, the Bible says the devil is out to steal, kill and destroy. But I was sooo angry that day. I just didn't know where to direct that anger. It was hard to be angry at the devil. That's what he does. He steals. He kills. He destroys. But I kept hoping and praying that God would save my baby. I've heard of miracles and healing by God. Why can't it be me, my family this time?

I prayed every prayer there was. Standing over my daughter’s isolette, tears streaming onto the plexiglass, asking God for forgiveness for my unbelief…my faith small like a mustard seed…pleading that he show mercy to my daughter. Standing in the hallway alone, asking that Judy Blume title “God, are you there? It’s me, keao.” Feeling so confused, so heartbroken, so mad. Scared to admit that I was mad, because maybe this was a test and God was going to show a miracle in the last hours…but I would ruin it all if I said the wrong thing out loud. But you can’t hide things from God, He already knows your heart.

I have a lot of friends who haven’t exactly loved my beliefs. There’s the dominating thought that Christians are mindless sheep, who just follow ignorantly and never question anything. A complete lie. I love my God but I have questioned Him so many times. And He lets me. He’s my father. He lets me rant and rave and yell, and still He waits with arms open when I collapse crying. I don’t understand anything but He’s still my father. He knew the walk I would be on, so He surrounded me with a husband who carries me, a room full of loved ones who stood with me. He gave me all the time I needed to say good-bye to my daughter. He let me yell at him and kick and scream, and He took it all. I wanted to be a mom more than anything and He heard my call. My prayers were answered and I am a mom. He gave me three beautiful daughters. He allowed us to prepare for Rory's passing and gave us strength as we enjoyed every day I carried her. I had 19 wonderful days with Allison. I have Casey, who is thriving and has brought such joy and comfort to Scott and me in this past week.

I can’t wrap my head around everything. But does God exist? Without a doubt. Is He good? I believe it. That much I know to be true. Does He love me? Yes, yes he does. Things will take time to heal but the truth remains the same. I'm still hurt. I'm still mad. I'm confused. But I still need God to walk beside me. And He has carried me...oh, how He has carried me.


  1. This is why I admire you. Not because you displayed the world's definition of "strength" through all of this, but because of your honesty. Although I won’t pretend that I've gone through anything close to what you're walking through right now, I can say that I've questioned God about some of the same things...even on your behalf. The moment I read that Ally was struggling, I called my best friend and we prayed/battled hard (through tears) for the life of your little girl. And, like you, I was very angry when I heard the news of your loss.

    But...God IS matter what (which is much easier for me to say right now, I know). What I admire most about your and Scotts journey through this is your ability to give God glory (even when you don't think you are) in one of the hardest circumstances I can's truly inspiring.

    I want to encourage you with this: your precious baby girls are safe and filled with joy in the presence of our God, but there are so many people's sons and daughters walking around on this earth spiritually dead. I am convinced that the testimony of how you and Scott have chosen to walk through this difficult time WITH God will not only encourage believers (as I know it already has), but bring other people's sons and daughters to Jesus so that instead of inheriting death, they will inherit true and eternal life in Christ. It's not a consolation by any means, but I think it's a beautiful way to honor all of your girls. God bless.


  2. Keao,
    I had no idea about all that you have gone through this past month. Tears are streaming down my face as I read through your posts. At the same time I am so encouraged by your faith. Thank you for sharing your heart. I want you to know that I'll be praying for you and your precious family.

    Love and Blessings from Nebraska,
    Amy Stanley

  3. I first heard your story a few weeks ago at church when Pastor Carl was telling us about your three blessings, and how Rory went to be when her Heavenly Father. Today he told us about Allison. It broke my heart. I have never met you or your family but you both have inspired me and your story has touched me deeply. I pray for you and Scott and baby Casey. I will continue to follow your journey, blessings and Aloha ~Leah Bruno

  4. Keao-

    I know it's tough and your honesty is amazing. I know that your faith and strength have to be shaken to a point. God loves you and always will. It is amazing to see His love through you and Scott, I will just continue to pray for you, Scott, and Casey, until I can see you again. And then I will pray some more! :) I enjoy your updates, although I do not know how you have time for them!

    Lots of Love,
    Brittany Cook

  5. I know you may not see it, but Keao you are truly an inspiration. I adore you and can't wait to meet you in person. Stay strong, keep your faith and soon we will have a meet up!

  6. Keao. gods grace is sufficient enough for us all. even in time of doubt, anger, hurt, confusion. i am so touched by your honesty. your feelings are real and we wouldn't expect anything less from a mother.

  7. I think this post sums up for me why I do love your faith...and love you. Honestly is so rare because it lets us into more than just a surface relationship with someone lets us see their heart. And you allow us to see your heart, Keao. Your transparency, even through the most difficult and tragic things, makes me love, respect, and admire you. I am humbled and honored to be on this journey with you. Thank you for being open!

  8. Keao,
    I wish I had words to offer you that would console you and take away this pain. I'm so sorry that I do not. I do know that God is with you during this time but unfortunately that doesn't remove the pain. However, you are not alone in this.
    I remember being with you and Scott on the Big Island before you actually started courting. We all knew that you belonged together and watching you go though this awful time, I can only think how blessed you are to have each other.
    You have always been so authentic in your faith. I'm so glad that the devil didn't steal that during this time. You are not alone in this and our God is an Awesome God and He can take it when we kick and scream. He is there with you as you question things and will not reject you because of your desperate cries to understand. While the answer may not be apparent any time soon, you know that the girls are with Him and at peace.

    Thank you so much for keeping this blog and allowing us to know how you are doing. I wish you and Scott and Casey many blessings.