Some have emailed or texted me admiring my strength and faith during this time. Let’s be honest, I’m not strong. I’ve done nothing. And my faith was shaken. I questioned everything...a lot. I questioned the power of prayer. If ever there were girls more covered in prayer, it was these girls. I question God's plan. I know God didn't take my baby girls. The devil did, the Bible says the devil is out to steal, kill and destroy. But I was sooo angry that day. I just didn't know where to direct that anger. It was hard to be angry at the devil. That's what he does. He steals. He kills. He destroys. But I kept hoping and praying that God would save my baby. I've heard of miracles and healing by God. Why can't it be me, my family this time?
I prayed every prayer there was. Standing over my daughter’s isolette, tears streaming onto the plexiglass, asking God for forgiveness for my unbelief…my faith small like a mustard seed…pleading that he show mercy to my daughter. Standing in the hallway alone, asking that Judy Blume title “God, are you there? It’s me, keao.” Feeling so confused, so heartbroken, so mad. Scared to admit that I was mad, because maybe this was a test and God was going to show a miracle in the last hours…but I would ruin it all if I said the wrong thing out loud. But you can’t hide things from God, He already knows your heart.
I have a lot of friends who haven’t exactly loved my beliefs. There’s the dominating thought that Christians are mindless sheep, who just follow ignorantly and never question anything. A complete lie. I love my God but I have questioned Him so many times. And He lets me. He’s my father. He lets me rant and rave and yell, and still He waits with arms open when I collapse crying. I don’t understand anything but He’s still my father. He knew the walk I would be on, so He surrounded me with a husband who carries me, a room full of loved ones who stood with me. He gave me all the time I needed to say good-bye to my daughter. He let me yell at him and kick and scream, and He took it all. I wanted to be a mom more than anything and He heard my call. My prayers were answered and I am a mom. He gave me three beautiful daughters. He allowed us to prepare for Rory's passing and gave us strength as we enjoyed every day I carried her. I had 19 wonderful days with Allison. I have Casey, who is thriving and has brought such joy and comfort to Scott and me in this past week.
I can’t wrap my head around everything. But does God exist? Without a doubt. Is He good? I believe it. That much I know to be true. Does He love me? Yes, yes he does. Things will take time to heal but the truth remains the same. I'm still hurt. I'm still mad. I'm confused. But I still need God to walk beside me. And He has carried me...oh, how He has carried me.